


Can I get a refund on my Babel fish?

by Melody_Jade



Category: Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Backstroke of the West, Clone Wars era, Crack, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-04
Updated: 2016-05-04
Packaged: 2018-06-05 00:27:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6682117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Melody_Jade/pseuds/Melody_Jade
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There appears to be some sort of problem with Anakin's translation implant.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Can I get a refund on my Babel fish?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [primeideal](https://archiveofourown.org/users/primeideal/gifts).



> I encourage everyone to check out [Backstroke of the West](http://winterson.com/2009/01/episode-iii-backstroke-of-west-redux.html). Trust me, you'll be in stitches from laughing so hard.
> 
> I figured that since not everyone speaks Basic in the Star Wars universe, surely there must be some sort of translation implant that will help people understand each other. I couldn't resist naming it after the [Babel fish](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_races_and_species_in_The_Hitchhiker%27s_Guide_to_the_Galaxy#Babel_fish) from _The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_. The babel fish in this fic is thankfully just an electronic implant, and not really a leech you stick into your ear.
> 
> To primeideal, thank you for this very inspired prompt. I hope you have a great May the 4th!

* * *

 

The problems started after Anakin took a particularly hard knock to the head during an intensely grueling mission in a tropical planet filled with swamps and vampiric insects and exceptionally unstable cliffs, which gave way while Anakin was running across them, too busy relaying orders to the clone troopers and deflecting blaster blots from the Sith-damned droid drones following behind to notice the crumbling of the ground beneath him until it was too late.

"I always thought you should go on a diet," was Obi-Wan's incredibly sympathetic response after Anakin related his tale of woe to Obi-Wan as he laid on a bed in the medical bay in the Temple, head still pounding and left leg wrapped in a cast and raised immobile.

He related the injustice of it all to Padmé, who had managed to sneak in for a visit using the excuse that she wanted to visit the brave Jedi heroes and show the Senate's appreciation of everything that the Jedi had accomplished in the Clone Wars thus far. Her brows furrowed in worry and concern, and Anakin prepared to bask in her ministrations while stoically telling her he's fine, but all Padmé said was, "You _are_ getting a little soft in the tummy."

"WHAT?!" Anakin screeched, and threw such a vicious tantrum that the Healers barred him from any further visitors. Well, who cares. Anakin would rather sulk in peace.

\----

It was all rather boring though, and Anakin quietly breathed a sigh of relief when he's finally released from the the medical bay and the scary clutches of the insane Healers that inhabit those walls, and discreetly limped (Jedi don't use hoverchairs, or crutches, or canes, _ever_ ) back to his apartment in the Temple. Along the way, he ran into several acquaintances who stopped to chat with him.

The conversations were... weird.

First, he seemed to have gained a new nickname during his time with the Healers. Which was usually a source of great pride to Anakin. If he could get away with it he would print out namecards with all the nicknames he'd collected along the way. Anakin Skywalker, Greatest Jedi Knight to ever be knighted, Chosen One from The Prophecy and The Hero With No Fear. (And The Reckless One who will one day turn all my hair grey, Obi-Wan would often interject, but whatever.) But... Allah Gold? Where did that even come from?

There were also a lot of references to a 'hopeless situation', which alright, sure he had been out of the field for a couple of weeks, but surely the situation couldn't have turned so hopeless so quickly? Anakin knew he was crucial and essential to the war effort, but surely not to that extent. 

There was apparently something brewing in the west too, which Anakin could understand, because west pointed to the building where the Senate operated, but still, it's been millenniums since people had used those antiquated terms to refer to directions.

He had also been asked several times about the ratio of the tiles and the Presbyterian Church, which... _what_?

All in all, it was a strange journey back and Anakin was relieved when he finally arrived back at the sanctuary of his apartment. He sent a comm message to Padmé, informing her that he had been released from the medical bay and would be dropping by her apartment later this evening. With a few hours still left to kill, he grabbed his lightsaber, intending to go down to the training halls to practise some katas. He's totally not limping on one leg after all.

\----

Thankfully, he made it to the training halls without bumping into any murderous Healers or weird conversations. Sinking into the Force, he allowed the ancient energy to guide him on some of the easier katas (in deference to his traitorous leg, which turned out to be limping after all.)

He was very nearly startled out of his concentration by Obi-Wan's voice. "Why the fuck are you folding miles? Good elephants don't look at wealth."

Anakin swore, falling to the ground in an ungainly heap, because Obi-Wan didn't even have the courtesy to wait until he was done with a complicated turn before interrupting him. "Really, of all things, you swear at this? Master I'm-so-polite-I-don't-even-swear-at-stinking-politicians Kenobi, the mildest of all Jedi? And what do you mean, folding miles and wealth? Elephants have been extinct for a long time too, you know."

Obi-Wan returned his glare with an unimpressed stare of his own. "Get up, smelly boy. Go to your crow and ship, you need to cut your hair."

Now that was just _mean_. "HEY, leave my mullet alone, it's cool, alright! And you stink even more, you old fart."

Obi-Wan rolled his eyes, looking very long-suffering, and twitched his fingers. Anakin's lightsaber, which had deactivated and rolled away during his fall, flew into Obi-Wan's hands. The traitorous lightsaber! Mulishly, Anakin left the room, muttering all the while about interfering Masters who should really mind their own business instead of running around swearing and stealing lightsabers.

The good thing was that he looked so furious that everybody gave him a wide berth when they passed him on the hallways.

\----

He was hoping that some time alone with dear sweet Padmé will improve his mood, but the day's pattern of incomprehensible encounters continued. Really, Anakin would have just stayed in the medical bay if he knew today was going to be so bizarre.

He knew that him and Padmé came from wildly different backgrounds and had very different political opinions, but seriously, tonight it was like they were talking past one another.

"Swallows donate honey, close love virtue," Padmé told him earnestly, soulful look in her big warm eyes.

"Okaaaay. Fascinating bit of trivia, darling."

Anakin didn't understand how that got him thrown out of Padmé's apartment.

So, all in all, it was a very strange day. As he dejectedly made his way back to the temple, Anakin wondered if he was still dreaming, or quite possibly hallucinating out of sheer boredom with nothing else to occupy him in the medical bay.

It wasn't until Anakin ran into Yoda at the temple entrance and had a surprisingly coherent conversation with him, with no cryptic statements nor upside-down grammar, that the lightbulb finally clicked on for him.

\----

The next day, Anakin was back in the medical bay, woozy and tired after the surgery to replace the malfunctioning Babel Fish _TM_ translation implant in his ear. Both Padmé and Obi-Wan were there when he woke up, Padmé immediately running to his side when he tried to sit up, clearly restraining herself from PDAs when Obi-Wan was still around, but her concern and worry was evident both in her actions and her words.

"You're back, you're finally back." He sobbed to her words, wanting to hug them and never let go. Hugging Padmé was a nice consolation prize though.

Obi-Wan cleared his throat, and Anakin and Padmé sheepishly separated to find Obi-Wan looking anywhere but at them. He was even whistling, good old chap that he was, and Anakin felt a wave of affection for his emotionally constipated Master.

There was a possibility he wasn't completely off the anesthesia drugs yet.

"So!" Obi-Wan said brightly, destroying all the tenderness of the scene in the way that only he was capable of, "What did you think we said that got us both kicked out of your room the first time?"

"You said I needed to go on a diet! And you," he turned to Padmé with accusing eyes, "said I was getting a little soft in the tummy." He poked himself in demonstration. "Does this look soft to you?!"

Padmé's mouth was twitching as she said, "I asked if your chest was feeling _tender_."

Obi-Wan gave him an absolutely deadpan look. "I said the situation looked _dire_. Although now that I think about it, maybe you do need to go on a diet."

Anakin was going to fry the broken Babel Fish _TM_ implant to a crisp with his lightsaber the moment he got out of bed. For the meantime, though, he consoled himself with writing a long and lengthy message of complaint to the manufacturers.

 

* * *

 

 


End file.
